So sad

Feeling sad today cause one of my IF buddies also got a BFN with her first IVF so sad... then I read the e-mail above and felt a bit better - only a bit cause really what is the point in getting positive cause I only get dissapointed. Was so positive during my first IVF and look where that got me. Was having a conversation with Hubby last night asking him why our lives have to be so complicated - and yes I know some people have it much worse but really.... just once can we just ask for something and get it without all the drama and complications. Someone once said to me that God sends us pain to make us stronger - so my prayer today is

GOD - PLEASE DON'T SEND ME ANY MORE PAIN I CANNOT COPE WITH IT - IT WILL BREAK ME

I am trying .....

I watched Secret millionaire last night and was once again reminded of how lucky I am to have everythinh I have, after my failed IVF I have been down and sad thinking only of myself and how much it hurts. Yes the hurt is still there especially on special days like Mothersday and my birthday but I am making an effort to move out of this bitter state. My hubby pointed out that I have been bitter and nasty and that it is not an endearing quality so I am really trying ....... yes it is so hard escpecially when I see prggies women and think - will that ever be me.Doesn't help that 2 ladies are preggies at work so I have to hear about their cramps vomiting and every thing else. All I can think about is - WISH IT WAS ME !

Read such a beautiful tread on the fertilicare site by Bratty's husband , it had me in tears as I did not comprehend how my husband must be feeling got so caught up in my own feelings. I now feel so self absorbed ..... Gotto work on thinking about everyone around me.

A friend sent me this e-mail today , so fitting with me feelings today.

Things are to be used, but People are to be loved.

Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become

actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits they

become character; Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

FROM MY LIPS TO GOD'S EARS : PLEASE HELP ME THINK OF OTHERS AROUND ME, PLEASE MAKE ALL THE BITTER THOUGHTS FADE AWAY SO THAT I CAN MOVE ON .....

Never let yesterday's disappointments overshadow Tomorrow's dreams....

I am going to make an effort to try stay positive this week ... Mother's day was okay just kept on wondering if I will ever be called a mommy ???? Had luch with DH parents at Amber Valley the dining hall was full of families with joung kids - so sad to think that we may never have that. Yes I have so much to be grateful for - a warm bed to sleep in , a full tummy a great family and husband but my heart still longs for that one thing that I just cannot get ... a baby in my arms. We have decided to wait 3 months before trying another IVF so we will only be seeing the FS in middle July or Aug - that gives my body a chance to recover from all the meds and for us to try get the money together for another IVF. I sometime's feel so guilty - this is all my fault if I think of all the money we have spent to correct something that is cause by my body ... but like my DH says we all have problems so I will try keep that in mind.

FROM MY LIPS TO GOD'S EARS : Thanks so very much for everything You do for me every day , please help me deal with all the dissapointment and failure in my life.

So irritated today again at work just had enough of work can't stand all these moody women. Wish I could work from home .... Oh that would be so great. Asked my support group if anyone also felt so blue around Mothersday and the responses were so enlightning. Okay so it is normal to feel the way I do and I am not alone in my thoughts. I do not know what I would do without these ladies. Their support, advice and insight has on many days just got me through the day. I has such a vivid dream on Tuesday night - we were ( all the IF buddies ) in this big auditorium listening to a speaker and when it was all over we were all standing up and guess what we were all pregnant with these big swollen tummies !!! What a great dream !

If I had one wish that would be it - to wave a magic wand and to make all my IF buddies pregnant.

When you feel God is rubbing you
against rocks,
Don't think that he'll run you down to dust ....
Its just His way of polishing a GEM!!!

FROM MY LIPS TO GOD'S EARS :God please help me and my IF buddies survive Mother's Day , make us strong and help us through all the sad thoughts.

Better day

So today is a much better day , after speaking to my BM she informed myself and the other staff member affected by the changes that we will still have back office jobs -our new JB will be reocrdkeeping OMG !!! I really seem to be moving down the food chain and not up . Anyway it will just be temp as I have set my mind on getting something else - the rest will take care of itself . I cannot do this for the rest of my life while trying to have a baby. I will prioritize myself for a change and hopefully the rest will follow. Going to lunch with an old buddy who is no longer working with me - I so miss talking to Nikki and it will be nice to catch up again.

FROM MY LIPS TO GOD'S EARS - Thanks God for again coming through for me , please help me make an effort to get another job and to be thankful for evrything that I have !

Crappy night ....

So last night I did not get much sleep with so much on my mind - at work we have been told that they are restructuring the back office and two of us will be affected by all the changes. So they may offer us other jobs within the branch which is not really something I want to do . So lay there until after 1.20 am just thinking of all the cenarios I am so sick and tired of going through this every other month !!!!Have been sending out my CV for vacancies in the newspapers but nothing so far. Hubby came home with such a headache so dosed him with a migraine pack and off to bed he went.I tried to watch some TV but my mind was way to busy ..... amazing of all the shit you can think of when you are trying to get some sleep. Mother's day on Sunday and thinking if I will ever have the pleasure of experiencing that miracle.

FROM MY LIPS TO GODS EARS :
Thank you, Lord for all the blessings in my life.
Help me to remember them as I face the challenges of infertility.
I pray that I can surrender myself into your hands.
Let me accept the reality of this situation and have the wisdom and courage to take action where I can.
Strengthen my body, mind and spirit to endure the trials of infertility.
Keep me ever mindful of the needs of others and grant us your peace
God please help me not to become bitter